You know the phrase, “you are your own worst critic”? I think we all have heard it before. This could not be more true for myself. I am so stinkin hard on myself and have been for most of my life. I don’t necessarily think that it is always a bad thing but I do think there is a line that doesn’t need to be crossed.
When I was growing up, I was an athlete. I still like to think of myself as one, however I’m not as good as I once was! Ha! Anyway, I started out playing softball and gradually came into basketball which would become my love. Although, I still play softball now and I love it too! I started playing basketball when I was nine and played all the way through college. I know I am short for a basketball player but I was scrappy and quick, and I could shoot! And shooting was my favorite thing to do. You literally had to tell me to stop shooting if you didn’t want me to. A classic line from one of my favorite movies says, “offense sells tickets, defense wins ballgames.” (Name that movie! 😉 ) That is completely true, but I LOVED hearing the cheers after hitting a 3 pointer! I thrived on that! It pumped me up! I can remember though, when I didn’t shoot well I would be so upset with myself as if I didn’t have a good game. I very well could have had a few steals, a great defensive game, and a number of assists to my teammates, but if I didn’t score in double digits, I played bad. That’s how my mind worked. I should have paid more attention to that quote from the movie! Ugh! Anyways, after games the first person I looked for was my daddy. Mom was always there too, but daddy was the voice of reason. I think it was the same for Dusty too. We always wanted our dad to be proud of us and how we played! And he always was!! Anyway, we always talked the game through and he would tell I me that I need to think about moving in and taking a jump shot instead of a three. What?! There are other shots you can take other than a layup and a three pointer?! (Seriously, that was Magan’s mindset right there.) Ha! He always knew how many points I scored too. I don’t know why, but I loved that! He would always bring me out that critical mindset, which I needed. He would help me realize that it wasn’t always about just scoring points. I was focusing on one side of the court when there are two sides.
My boss, just this week, asked me if I was one of those people that was hard on themselves. I looked at him and just laughed. Dude, you have no idea! This new job has been very overwheming for me. Just learning a lot of new things and basically having to teach myself how to do it. Oh that stresses me out! Excel!! Ugh! Have you heard of a thing called “macros” in excel?? Ummm…I’m sorry, what?? I somewhat panicked when he casually brought it up about what I would be doing. Anyway, I told him that I do not like to mess up and when I do new things, I want to be good at them right then. Now that is not exactly fair to put that kind of pressure on myself, but I do hold myself up to a certain standard. They hired me to do this job and I don’t want to let them down.
I tend to have this kind of attitude in my relationship with Jesus. I can’t stand the thought of letting Him down. When I mess up and ask for forgiveness, sometimes it is very hard for me to let it go right then. How wonderful is it though that God forgets right away?! Praise God! He CHOOSES to forget my sin when I ask for forgiveness. He does it without question! That doesn’t mean that I don’t get disciplined from my sin, I have to learn somehow. Lesson’s definitely get learned but God remembers my sin no more. (Heb 8:12)
At church yesterday, I was asked to lead one of the worship songs. I love it when I get asked to do this! I love to worship my Jesus, and to be able to lead my church family in worship is a blessing for me! This particular song we have sang before and I can sing it in my sleep. I have actually led it before. It was “What a Beautiful Name” by Hillsong Worship. Love this song! I am not really sure what happened but I was just worshipping Jesus and I started singing a part of the song that totally NOT the part I was supposed to be singing! Lord, help me! We have screens with the words on it and I was searching for my place and I could not figure out where I was or what I was supposed to be singing at that moment. I eventually did get back on track and I even apologized in the middle of the song because I got so off. I was so ashamed! I knew what I wanted to talk about in my blog earlier this week but I started writing it yesterday morning and I can’t help but think that this was just another experience God wanted me to go through because of the topic I was writing on. After we prayed and walked off the stage, I went straight to the restroom. My girls followed quickly behind because they knew I was beating myself up. Of course they were encouraging me which I obviously needed! Thank you Lord for them! Here again, I don’t like to mess up. It does happen though. And I don’t mean that God was out to get me either. He loves me and is proud of me, but I do think that He allows us to go through things in order to grow spiritually. He isn’t going to put you through something without teaching you something. And yes, some lessons are harder than others, trust me! This particular time, I think I went into worship with a little bit of a big head. I knew the song so well, I practiced that morning, and I was golden! I had an “I got this” attitude. When God said, “No Mae, I got this.” It’s not about you babydoll. Lord have mercy! Me and this ego thing are trippin! God is working on me, and I need it!! Confidence is not a bad thing, but my confidence is in Jesus, not in self.
There is a difference in beating yourself up over a mess up or a sin and wanting to better yourself after it. That has been a lesson that I have been continually trying to learn all of my life. After picking yourself back up, asking for forgiveness from our Lord, learn your lesson and do better the next time. Repent and turn away. So much easier said than done, I know, because that is where Satan will get you. But beating yourself up is exactly what Satan wants you to do. He wants you to focus on your sin or where you messed up, but don’t do it! And I am preaching to the choir here! We have a COMPASSIONATE God that forgives and forgets. He loves you! He knows that you are going to mess up, but guess what…He loves you ANYWAY!!!! You are His child. He adores you and He is PROUD to call you His, regardless of how many times you fail. Whew! I am crying just think about it! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Lord!
Lord, I pray for all of us that deal with this critical attitude on ourselves. Lord help us to take that unnecessary weight off of our shoulders. You took that weight to the cross and it is a burden that we do not have to carry! Praise you Jesus! I pray that you get glory out of every lesson learned in our lives whether big or small! Thank you for loving Your children past all of our mess ups! You are so good God, You are so good to me!!