This is Me

I have really been on “The Greatest Showman” soundtrack lately!! Yall, it is SOOOO good!!! If you haven’t seen it, you need to!! And you will want to listen to the soundtrack, because the songs are AMAZING!! One of the songs on there is called “This is Me”. There is a very vulnerable part toward the end of the song that gets me every time. Well today, this is me being vulnerable to you. Handle with care! 😉

I get asked all the time why I am not married yet, or why I’m not dating anyone. I never have an actual answer for them. I just say, “I haven’t met that person yet,” or “no, I’m just waiting.” Ha! Usually it’s the shortest answer I can give and then I do my best to change the subject. I am a person that doesn’t mind attention for the most part, however, when it comes to my personal life, not so much. That is meant for people that I am close to.

When I was in high school I didn’t really date. Not that I couldn’t, I just think I was more afraid to. Nervous maybe? Don’t ask me why! I had crushes like your typical teenage girl, but I was always the girl that was more like a sister. I had a lot of guy friends. I am sarcastic, I like sports, I’m good at playing some of them, and I get along with just about anyone. So, I could flirt but I still held myself at arms length, and that was fun for me! Sometimes one of them would show an interest and I would run for the hills! Got scared. College was basically the same.  My first actual “boyfriend”  was not until I was a senior in college. I remember saying all through high school and college that I just wanted it to happen without me even realizing it. “I just want it to happen”! I can remember saying that all the time. I think I had ran scared so much that at this point I wanted it to be easy and wanted for it to literally fall into my lap. And ya know, it kinda did. We were friends at first, started liking each other more than that and it just kinda happened with us. There is obviously more to the story, but you don’t need to know all of that. Obviously, things didn’t work out. I think it involved me getting scared again, but it wasn’t meant to be. Got out of college and I haven’t really had a real relationship since. Not that I haven’t had the chance. I have gone out on dates. Ugh, some better than others!! Wouldn’t mind erasing some from memory! Ha! At this point, none have worked out whether it was me or them calling things off. And I’m ok with that!

This post is not necessarily to tell you my dating history, although that’s basically what you’ve gotten so far. I want you to know that in all these years of being single, it has allowed my relationship with Jesus to be that much more special! I’ve been able to focus solely on Him, which is not what I would have done had I gotten married earlier in life. And I didn’t realize that growing up and going through college, but later, I did realize it and I am so thankful for that time. Of course, there have been times that it has been extremely difficult, my heart has been broken, or I am lonely and don’t understand why. In those times though, who do I run to?? Jesus. He is the ONLY ONE that has seen every tear that I have cried, even behind closed doors. The tears that no one knows about, except Him. He is the only one that knows me inside and out, and better than I know myself. He knows everything about me and still loves me. If I were to have gotten married at 23 or even in my late twenties, my relationship with Jesus would not be where it is today. I have learned so much about Him and myself that I probably wouldn’t have learned had I been married or with someone through all of those years. Please, don’t get me wrong, I am not downing anyone that got married earlier in life!! I think marriage is a beautiful thing, and I can’t wait to experience it. I thought it better though, to make the best of my time instead of wallow in it. I had a lot of growing up to do when I was in my early twenties and the thought of being married at that time is crazy to me.

My favorite bible verse is one of the more well known one’s. It is Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord – “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for a hope and a future.” I try to focus on that verse whenever I have one of my tough days. God knows your heart. He knows my heart. And He knows when the timing is right for that specific thing to happen in your life. As frustrating as that can be, I challenge you to use that waiting time to lean on Jesus and to learn to trust Him. That is SO much easier said than done, TRUST ME!! But putting that into practice makes those tough days a little bit easier to handle. More often than not, we are always waiting on something in our lives. Whether it is a spouse, a child, a job, an answer for something, etc. In our waiting though, is when God does a mighty work in your life, if you will allow it.

****This is NOT a PSA that Magan Weeks is single and looking for someone!!****

Aside from the first post I shared on this blog, this is the most vulnerable that I have been and it is not easy for me to share some of these things with you. However, if God can use my situation and my story to speak to someone that is struggling and going through something similar, then that is what I pray for!!


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